


Dissonance

by MercurialDewdrop



Category: CLAMP - Works, Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, No Spoilers, Only references, Post Acid Tokyo arc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-03
Updated: 2015-02-03
Packaged: 2018-03-10 07:42:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3282392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MercurialDewdrop/pseuds/MercurialDewdrop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Subaru has always been Kamui's emotional crutch, and he's okay with that- but sometimes, sometimes there are just moments of weakness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dissonance

**Author's Note:**

> Minor ref. to Tsubasa: Tokyo Revelations / Acid Tokyo arc. || 3/Feb/2015. || This was done with the idea where X and TRC Subaru's are connected, and because of this connection TRC Subaru feels some sort of disconnection from Kamui, in X Subaru memory of Hokuto. I kinda wrote it at 3am so don't expect much :')

Subaru had always felt a certain _kinship_ for his twin. One which both horrified him and filled him with morbid curiosity all the same.

It was normal, his siblings had often assured him. His coven had held each other in a tight bond, everyone else was but an intruder. It didn't matter if they were Vampires or humans, they were all the same if not part of _his_ family.

 _'It's okay'_ even now he could hear the amused giggle from one of his many sisters ( _guilt burnt with fervor once realizing he couldn't recall her name any longer_ ) _'he's your kin, your brother, your twin.'_ if he focused enough, Subaru would remember how gentle hands would stroke his hair with tender touches, those vibrant green eyes much brigther than his own staring at him with fondness. Out of all of them, this is the only sister-- or sibling, for that matter- he could remember vividly, from back when he was but a child. 

_'Twins share a special connection. Its just how it is'_ She told him, holding him close. 

Even back then he had hesitated, unwilling to believe her words. She didn't understand. No one could, not even Kamui himself ( _How he felt more in touch with this sister of his, instead of his twin. How he wanted to spend more time with her, be there longer and submit to her tender affections instead of the more eager ones of Kamui. Why why why would he want that? He never understood. Perhaps this was what prompted him to stay away from her, locking himself to a place where no one could reach. This is why he wouldn't let himself remember that name, no. It brought too many painful memories._ ) He had never asked Kamui, nor would he ever- it was obvious his brother didn't share the sentiment, and of that he was glad.

He was selfish, he knew it. Subaru was forever thankful his brother didn't see him like this. He wouldn't be able to bear it- to think his brother, his precious brother would think of him so coldly...

_Like a replacement for someone else._

Last time he tried to discern the oddity, he'd come to a conclusion- a word which could describe one mayor aspect of this kinship he felt for his twin. 

It was _distance._

He felt distant from his twin, aloof and emotionally disconnected. Like they were miles apart and he couldn't bring himself try to walk the breach, when his brother tried desperatedly to grab him.

Kamui never had liked to be too far away from Subaru, and although he felt grateful for not being alone, he hadn't felt the impulse to reciprocate the action. So he didn't try. Subaru didn't mind the extra company, but he didn't dislike solitude either. Being alone had never been a problem on his side, no matter Kamui's endless angry retorts (and more than just a couple of harsh bruises on their person) to whoever dared to even so much as mention to push the twins apart.

This was but the same factor which made him treasure his brother all the same. It made him able to see beneath all those layers of ill manners, hot temperament and snide behavior. At this lethargic distance, he could watch his brother in the loosest form of judgment and see how despite his own passive detachment, Kamui still thought of him above everyone else. Kamui would still protect him and prevent anyone from so much as touch him.

Subaru didn't know what Kamui saw in him, or if he bothered to see at all past the fact they were twins. Maybe he didn't realize quite yet they were _different_ beyond the obvious, that they were _individuals_ , and that it wasn't healthy to be codependent of one another, but whatever Kamui's resolution was, his priorities were clear. He just wouldn't let Subaru go. This is where Subaru is endlessly selfish and cruel, he doesn't mind the attention, he takes advantage of his dearest twin and Kamui is more than happy to comply.

Outsiders saw them in black and white, and his dear brother was always noted down as the darker half. He didn't understand how they were alotted this way, but at the end he condluded it was only those who didn't know them who thought that way; after all, compassion like his own only lasted in a passing. Was it not hypocritical for him to care enough to advise, but not enough to _act?_ Dearest Kamui wouldn't stop at that, never would he do things half heartily.

Subaru had always held everyone afar, at an arms length, including his own brother. In his eyes, everyone (But _E,_ they were food no matter their container) deserved to be dealt with utmost care and guarded respect. Kamui was the only constant in his life and as such, he didn't need to be treated with half the decorum, but that was the only leverage he was offered.

His brother wasn't polite, he didn't want anyone's good graces, he wasn't a coward.

Kamui would outwardly snarl and sneer in mistrust when crossing paths with a truly distasteful person. Liars, his brother abhorred them all and it was only the bond they shared which kept him from praying too deep into Subaru's mind (for he would be in this category too, if he didn't respect privacy). His brother was one of crude, yet truthful words with a headstrong attitude to match. He didn't dwindle with pleasantries like Subaru, his actions were of brutal honesty, something Subaru had always admired. It was but a small mercy in the reality they lived in.

For this, he feared the day the illusion would break and Kamui no longer see him for who he thought his twin was, but instead for who Subaru thought himself to be.

Sometimes he realizes fears like these seem for naught. His dear brother would always hold on tight to him, trying relinquish something that wasn't there to begin with; this connection they were both supposed to share but only Kamui felt and understood as it was meant to be. Even after all these years of trying to return the sentiment, he felt nothing but a cool layer of desinterest whenever his brother hovered over him life a worried waif.

 _How horrible_ , Subaru mused with a quiet grimace only to upkeep the morals he didn't quite have. _After all you've done for me, I..._ a sigh escaped his lips, the hand caressing his brother's hair halting.

After a while, Kamui cracked an eye open “Subaru?” he looked up, half lidded lilac eyes stared at his own.

The older of the two replied with a dazed hum, mind not completely having returned from his musings. He absently noted how Kamui's eyes narrowed in concern, and after a few moments of terse silence, sat up from his lap.

“Something is bothering you,” Kamui began slowly, searching with his eyes as if merely watching him would suffice to find what he's looking for. Subaru wonders if he has been indulging his twin far too much when showing his occasional concern outright, if Kamui is so expectant. “What's wrong?” his twin tenses, as if his Subaru's distress was his own.

He does not respond and it doesn't sit well with his brother, who begins to frown and calls out his name again. It shows how he was feeling helpless, from the slump of his shoulders, and the beat look of his face. This was probably why Subaru always gave in- his brother was far too cute.

If there was anyone else but them in the room, Kamui would never had bothered to mention on his behavior. Instead the younger of the two would have pulled him away from prying eyes... The mere thought of it brought an uncomfortable feeling to his chest. 

Just as his own fingers grip on the fabric of his shirt, Subaru lowers his head. He can't look at Kamui, not after thinking all those senseless, inane thoughts (because he knows, its stupid to just think of all of this when tomorrow he'll forget. He will forget and go back to admonishing his brother for some triviality along the way, maybe his lack of manners, maybe for picking a fight, but Subaru will forget all those negative thoughts and try to smile as they jump from world to world. He has to, Kamui _needs_ him to.) -- he can't tell Kamui any of this, not now, not ever. Its disgusting, to crave his brother affection when he himself doesn't feel half it. It makes Subaru feel like filth beneath his claws and about as unworthy and hollow as an _E_ compared to Kamui.

There's silence and his eyes move up, but does not move his head. Muted green meets sharp lilac and he grimaces, almost recoiling from the amount of worry he sees. ( _He doesn't deserve this. Not for that time he let himself be pulled into a deep slumber, leaving him alone to fend off in a strange world for_ two years. _)_

Seconds pass and neither looks away- it isn't until Kamui leans in, forefinger and thumb tipping his chin up until they are at the same eye level _“Subaru.”_ he breathes in his name like a plea and Subaru knows this is the last time he calls out his name. He won't pry anymore, third time's the charm in this unspoken rule they had.

Subaru is short of words and doesn't want to speak but nonetheless tries “I...” he licks his lips just as his mouth runs dry. There's suddenly a thousand thoughts running through his mind; yet only a few he manages to catch in the whirlwind of emotions.

 _'It's nothing'._ He wants to say, not to continue with this charade. He knows he would never be able to tell his twin- but the thought still remains in his mind. 

_'I'm sorry.'_ All the same, from all those times he got in trouble because of him, but still stood by his side.

 _'It's okay, I'm alright.'_ As a third option, reminding him its only once upon a red moon he allows himself to think with such negativity since, at the end its always a moot point.

At the end he settles for none.

He deliberatedly takes Kamui's hand with his own. In this, he manages with some semblance of composure to look into almond shaped eyes like his own “Brother...” he leans forward, cradling his hand in a weak grasp close to his chest and holds it there.

He can feel Kamui eyes watching him and imagine them narrow even further in a confused, worried frenzy at the almost desperate gesture.

“Brother, won't you leave me?” The uncomfortable feeling in his chest grows, turning an ugly shade of green which surely reflect his own eyes. 

“ _No!_ ” was the immediate reply “Subaru, I-- ” he stutters, face burning and his eyes glow with a rim of gold, burning as if he had said something completely outrageous “You know that I would _never_ \--!”

“I do.” He agreed easily, even as dread pooled at the pit of his stomach and jealousy continued to grow. Oh he knew. They both knew. Kamui would leave everything behind, if it was for him. He already had.

“I'll never leave you” _Not again_ was left unsaid.

He wants to say the same, that he won't ever leave Kamui alone. Not after all they have been through, not after all that loneliness his brother suffered throughout his absence. To say _'I won't ever leave you'_. and mean it.

Instead, all he can choke out is a 'Thank you' between sobs, because he knows he's selfish. He can't do it- and this is how jealousy swallows him whole. One day Kamui would find someone else to be his crutch, one day he'd find someone who would replace this fragile bond they have, and he'll realize how all of this was fake, how Subaru has always lied despite how much he has tried.

Somewhere down the road, Kamui will notice. How his twin is but a crutch, an emotional crutch he doesn't need; and he'll leave Subaru alone, alone because the one who holds the spot of his number one in his heart only wants to hunt him down and kill him. He doesn't want that to happen, but selfish as he is, he wouldn never withold Kamui from his happiness-- and that, is finally something Kamui does know.

Tonight he'll let himself cry, because he needs to. Tomorrow he'll smile like every other day, because for now, Subaru is Kamui's happiness, his stability, and number one person. That alone lets the breach between them feel none existent, because at the end he can imagine those lilac eyes be replaced by ones much lighter, one seeing and one not--- and then he can imagine his own feelings reciprocated.


End file.
